solipsistic drivelings.

Dear Ex,

I probably shouldn't be doing this but I can't help it. I tend to break my own rules.

I'm sorry that i am barging into your virtual space but I am not sorry about what I told you last time because I know and you know that most of it is true and the rest you clearly deserve. I admit that some are mad drivelings of a raging woman. Cheap shots and whatnot so I don't expect you to forgive that easily. And I know for a fact that men are an unforgiving lot. Something to do with your ego. Women forgive easily but rarely forget. So yes, I am no longer mad at you. Can't stay mad for too long. In one dimension out of too many, everything you did are justified. I accept that. After all, however cliche' it may sound, the truth did set me free. Some genius wrote that one way or another, we are judge, counsel, victim, and accused all at the same time. In short, I, too, was at fault, one way or another.

I'm sorry it had to end that way.

But enough of that. I am not a cold-hearted bitch. Happy Birthday. Be safe.

From your Ex, like, Forever

Ang weird lang. Sometimes, nothing makes sense and then all of a sudden, you find all the answers to the questions. Minsan, gusto ko nang itigil, kumawala. Nakaksira ng bait kapag biglaang nangyayari yung mga nearly impossible things na gusto mo, yung mga bagay na ni-give up mo na, yung akala mo wala nang pag-asa? Ang weird lang ng mga twists ng buhay. Nagkataon lang ba ang lahat ng pangyayari? Is it chance or accident? Are they the same and one? Hindi ko naman akalain na hahantong sa ganito. Mahal kita, hindi ako tumigil. Kahit na minsan, hindi ako tumigil. May mga iba, pero wala lang yung mga yun. Of course, I felt guilty-- still feel guilty. Nakakapanghinayang. Dahil sa kagustuhan kong maka-get-over sa'yo, marami akong nasaktang ibang tao. To be precise, dalawa sila. I feel remorse. I feel guilt. But most of all, I feel dirty. It's time to grow up, and drop all pretense, it's time to drop the license of stupidity and desperation. I tried, really na kalimutan ka, but it's all out of my control. Puso ko ang kinalaban ko at na-realize kong hindi ako mananalo dahil ayaw ko mang tanggapin, ito lang ang gusto namin: ang mahalin ka, mahalin ka, at mahalin ka. Ikaw ang tanging lalaking kinahuhumalingan ko at hindi na ako magpipigil dahil ayoko ng masaktan, makasakit. Ayoko ng masaktan ka. I realized the first time I saw you, my heart is no longer mine. It's yours to keep, and from now on, I will do it's every bidding. It's a great risk to take but it's worth damn much. Mahal kita, hindi ako tumigil. Walang iba, ikaw lang. Ngayon, heto na ko sa harapan mo. Hindi na ako matatalo because this time, puso ko na ang ipupusta ko. Nothing else matters because nothing else has ever been this clear to me.

You are up to no good again. There you are, lurking around, ready to pounce at me the moment I let my guard loose. Who do you think you are, playing with people's feelings when they're most vulnerable? I don't even KNOW him! (Not yet, anyway..) What the hell is the matter with you? Why can't you do your job right?

I know what you are planning for me, you know. Yet again, you are conspiring with that corrupted, silly messenger of yours named Cupid. Right now, that stupid arrow of his, is aimed directly at my heart, Just one word from you, and I'm a goner. I'm tired of you two and your silly games. And stop corrupting Cupid, for goodness' sake. He is just a child, a silly one, but a child nonetheless.

Remember the last time I got hit with that arrow of his? It was a disaster. Well, yes, at first, I was ecstatic, I was on high. It was the best feeling ever, but isn't that part of the illusion? I didn't feel the pain at first. Whatever the anesthetic you used, it worked for the longest time. But when the drug started wearing off, what did you do? Nothing! You just stood there watching me, probably laughing your heart out at what a sight I might have looked!

Yes, I know you were laughing silly at me, you idiot! I could see it in your eyes! So you thought it was some kind of a laugh riot, huh? You sadist, you mthrfckng player! Who do you really think you are??

But like I said, I know what you are up to this time. You want me to beg to be shot with that arrow one more time but enough is enough. I have prepared myself against any onslaught you have planned. You think you will win? You think I will let myself get shot straight with your venom, and savor it's temporary effects, then leave me alone, despaired, in my blinded stupor? Think again, asshole Love! I'm not gonna give you that satisfaction! This time, I am completely in control of my emotions. So, pretty please, why don't you just leave me alone and start bothering other people?

Don't you dare come before me again like before, or else.. Well if you do, can't you at least do your job right?

Otherwise, just bloody fuck off!

With my middle finger's sincerity aimed right at you,
Kae

You still love me. No, you bloody don't. You never friggin did. Peter Pan never loved Wendy. If he did, he would've grown old with her. But he's too much of a coward. Bloody Peter.

Hello, babe. You call me up again. That drawl on its normal husky state, resurrecting long dead memories and conversations. Why did I stop calling you? You know better than to ask, sweet. Don't you know? Us is over.. Ex-lovers don't call each other after break-ups.. Especially after bitter ones. Though ours certainly didn't end that way. At least send me a text message, and it would sustain me through the day, you say. And what shall I text you? That I bloody miss you?? But I don't, babe. Not anymore.

Who's bloody face you gonna punch? No, I'm not going out with someone. Too busy for that. Commitment issues. You think it was you who had commitment issues? You might as well know-- my commitment issues goes much deeper than yours.

You're bloody drunk, babe. Sleep it off. Strange how you are always drunk everytime you call, I can almost smell the liquor. I don't like that one bit. I mean, you being drunk, everytime you call. You always sound defeated when you do that you know. You talk like you've faced a million bloody (literally) battles, unprepared. Makes me feel guilt-ridden when I shouldn't. Ain't my fault. All I did was fall in love with you. I just got-- still am-- tired of your emotional fuckwittage. No more of that, please. Either we're together or not. Either you grow up or not.

You still love me. No you bloody don't. You never friggin did. Peter Pan never loved Wendy. If he did, he would've grown old with her. But he's too much of a coward. Bloody Peter.

Weeks had passed (or was it only days?) and thoughts of you didn't even cross my mind, like it fervently used to before. Where's the backbone, babe? You used to have lots of it. Weeks had passed ( or was it days? Can't remember) since the last time you called. Backbones gone osteoporotic, huh?

You miss me. You don't have to say that. Because I know you still do.

I didn't miss you, but suddenly I do. That scares me.

Yes, I'll be leaving soon. Looking forward to that. What, don't want me to leave? Why? Humor me. Oh, wanna get back together again? Just might postpone my departure indefinitely. No? That's wicked funny. You think this is all child's play, don't you, Peter?

You're just drunk.. Sleep it off. We're done, like forever. I won't wait for anybody. Especially for someone who takes forever to grow up and evolve. Expect not to hear from me again, you bloody fuck. Good night.

.......
You called me up again.. That husky drawl that never failed to raise the hair on my arms.. Those gentle hands discovering me.. Those eyes all over illiciting explicit reactions upon my flesh. That laugh, reminding me of what was, could've been, might've been... everything..

But I'm just tired of you.. Bloody tired of you and your emotional fuckwittage..



**Emotional fuckwittage: Used first in Bridget Jones' Diary, it has now become a synonym for the mindgames men play when dating. It can be preceded by "emotional" to make it about manipulating emotions or just plain "fuckwittage".
*Fuckwittage: One who screws with people's emotions.

I am ending this 3-year affair with you. The folks never really liked you. Nope, they HATED you. Even if they had never seen you with me.

During the early months of our relationship, many a nights, I tiptoed outside our home just so I could have a rendezvous with you, kiss you, hold you, inhale your scent, consume you. Quite a few times, I even managed to sneak you inside my room and spend those nights wide awake. I held you, and we slept together. You even ruined one of my sheets. After that, we were more careful. It's a miracle that the folks never detected your presence inside my room, when I can smell your smell even with you gone.

I enjoyed you, craved for you, longed to be with you. Thank you for being there during all those times when I was so alone, or so stressed out, or so bummed about my life.

But I guess I am not hooked up enough that I can fathom the idea of letting you go. For good. I love you, but this just can't go on. I don't wanna break my mama's heart. If I don't do this now, I might not be capable of doing it in the future. I don't want her to accidentally see us together, lips against each other's lips.

And with the same medium that made your body alive, and burning, I will have to get rid of you now.

Bye, for now.

Dear Opposite Sex,

I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about you, except for the fckng fact that you seduce me (and that's what you tried to do to me again earlier), then drop me like a hot potato into your yawning abyss. Why are you so cruel? I hate you for making me hope, wish, love, and, in the end, making me feel despaired, embarrassed and disillusioned.

I detest you, but I am attracted to you. Who else am I supposed to hook up with, the same sex? I can't even contemplate the idea. Nor do I have any notions of choosing a life of spinsterhood. Or worse, having relations with something outside our species. So no matter how many times you screw me up, I will always be drawn to your kind (duh, like I have any other choice). Because I am an all-woman, all-straight daughter of Eve.

Well, I admit you aren't all that bad, that sometimes, or most of the time, it is my fault. But you can't blame me for PMS-ing. Yeah. That's my excuse. What's yours?

This is not the end. I'm sure, in the next days, weeks, months, I'll fall in love with someone of your kind again, get hurt again, fall in love again, get fckd up all over again, but i'll be very, very patient. Soon, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed, the cycle will start draining, and I will finally settle down with someone of your kind.

But for now, in the light of all the heartaches, the shams of falling in love, I raise both my fingers to you.

Go, fuck yourself.

With my utmost sincerity,
Kae

dear d.,

hindi ko din akalain na hahantong sa ganito. parang kailan lang, magka-holding hands tayong naglalakad sa downtown. alam mo ba, Miss na kita sobra. sana di na lang tayo nag-break noh? sana di na lang ako nakipagbreak sayo. ikaw naman kasi, ang arte mo. may mga nalalaman ka pang 'naguguluhan ako'. agaylatan met. what did you expect di ba? Ako nga, nagulo buhay ko dahil sa'yo.

never kong pinagtapat sayo ito, pero alam mo ba, i was never the same after us. pwede kong sabihin na after all the shit i've been through, i'm a lot wiseR now. pero hindi ee, kasi nakakabobo talaga yung mga nangyari. ayoko ng maging dagdag pasakit sa mga problema mo. ayokong pasanin mo ako. pero alam mo ba? pasan kita. siguro, kahit ilang lalaki pa ang lumuhod sa harapan ko ngayon, Titingala pa din ako at mukha mo lang ang makikita ko. kahit sa iba ka pa nakatingin.. alam kong sa iba ka na nakatingin. di ba?

hindi ko naman hinihiling na sana hindi na lang naging tayo. mali ee. kasi naging mahalagang parte ka na din ng buhay ko. siguro, even if I come down with a severe case of amnesia, i'll never forget those months with you. kung sinuman ang maswerteng mamahalin mo pagkatapos ko, sana hindi ka na maguluhan. you should know by Now that you don't figure love out. you simply just fall. pero alam mo ba? part yan ng charm mo.. yung nagtatanong.. yung nagtataka.. oo, ganun ka. kaya nga inaro takan maong.. pero hindi lang 'yun ang rason. at hindi na kailangang sabihin pa dahil hindi mo na kailangang alamin. dahil alam kong ayaw mo nang alamin.

all my friends told me to ditch you. and so i did. kaya nga kahit ilang beses kang tumawag dati, hindi mo ako ma-reach dahil nagpalit na ako ng number. at nung nalaman mo yung new number ko, nasa reject list ang number mo. at pagkatapos ng lahat ng yun.. in-Entertain din lang kita. nakakalito ba?

Masyado akong insecure, masyadong selosa. bakit ba? ganun ka din naman ah! oo, I still want you pero ansaki-sakit lan maong.  dahil hindi na kita maramdaman. dahil alam kong hindi ka na seryoso tulad ng dati. ego boosters na lang yang mga ginagawa mo.

haha. what did i expect, di ba? haay.

Masaya ka ba sa tuwing di ko natitiis ilapit ang phone sa mukha ko? sa tuwing kinukuwento ko ba sayo ang Araw ko, iniisip mo ba na sana kasama ka dun? haay. ngayon, namamahalan ka siguro sa minute calls na iniuukol mo dati sa akin. nasasayangan ka na siguro sa pamasahe mo papunta sa kung nasaan man ako.

Nakakatawa. nakaka-amaze. how easily attraction came and went. Unfair lang kasi inunahan mo na ako. o siguro, tinamaan lang ako ng husto sa'yo. ang galing mo lang kasi. ikaw na! kung makaingles ka, akala mo male version ni kris aquino. kung makipagtalo ka, akala mo male version ni meriam
 dEfensor santiago. ang corny Lang pero totoo naman. seryoso. siguro kung mababasa mo To, hahagalpak ka sa kakatawa. at iiral na naman ang kayabangan mo.

pero wala yan sa'kin. dahil mas masakit na hirap na akong tumawa. yUng totoong tawa? kasi alam ko darating na ang panahon na hindi mo na ako maaalala pa. o siguro nga dumating na. mas maganda siguro na ganito. na hindi na tayo nagkikita at nag-uusap. para san pa, di ba? kahit siguro magkaroon ng Chance na maging tayo ulit, hindi na ako pupusta pa. you can rest assured na hindi mo na ako makikita pa.

mag-iingat ka Ah? kasi inaro takan maong.. anggano amtak.. Ya sakey ak labat ed sikara..

nagmamahal,
super p.