Did I ever cross your mind after that time?
I wish I could see you again, so we could talk, and you could explain, and I could forgive, and there would be a proper closure for this.
For the record, I am no longer in love with you. I had worked it all out of my system far too long ago.
Though I remember everything.
I remember when we first saw each other at the fifth floor of the university library. We were sitting across each other, some ten desks away. You were at the Engineering section, I was at my favorite Fiction section.
And I wish now that I shouldn't have looked up and our eyes shouldn't have met.
I remember seeing you everyday at the same seat, some ten desks away, and after five days, you came up and said, "Hello. I know we're going to be friends."
And so after we broke up, I couldn't decide whether that was the biggest understatement.. or overstatement of the year.
I remember when we went out that night and instead of a dinner date on a restaurant, we went to this bar I love where the bands who played were as great as the food served.
We did what normal young couples did. Parties. Barhopping at Nevada Square. Watching Lost re-runs. Arcade games at the Quantum. Always, you accompanied me at the bookstore and sat patiently at the carpeted floor of the kid's section, as I rummaged through titles I would most likely purchase and read.
I remember the afternoon trysts. There was no elevator, and we were always breathless when we reached the fifth floor library, and we secretly kissed behind the shelves.
My friends kept asking me about you and I said you were "the sweetest, the most worthy of a first love".
But what I really loved most about you is your brazen opinion about things. We could argue about something as complex as the human mind or something as mundane as the public transpo. You were a very smart guy, with the perfect tongue. That I was sure of. Too bad not so many guys possess that.
I remember when we went out not knowing there was a storm approaching and we had to stay at the Sev all night, your arms wrapped all around me.
I remember when you told me of a dream you had of me, and you had to call me at two in the morning, and I thought you were crying, and you made me promise not to leave you. I said never.
What an irony.
I remember when you didn't return my calls for three days and it was mind racking and I secretly hoped you were either terribly sick or a close relative of yours died (this I still feel guilty of), because I couldn't quite imagine what else could be the reason of your silence.. And I thought if I was the one terribly sick, if I was the one with a dead relative, I would have, at least, sent you a text message.
Up to now, I still wonder.
Whatever happened that caused you to do what you did to me?
That was deliberate cruelty on your part..
To change your mind about everything?
Well I must admit that sometimes, when we were still together, you changed your mind so often I wonder if you had a mind.
To forget about that dream?
Maybe it was a lie. Maybe you never really dreamt of me.
But this is what I really yearned to ask: Why did you choose her over me?
She, with the reputation of the girl who would get high on anything and go down on everything?
Those twelve months obfuscated by the mere minutes of her going down on you??
Why did you let her in through all the secret doors that the two of us had gradually opened, one by one, together?
All the more, this: Why didn't we break up the way normal couples do?
Why did you intentionally let me in your flat to see the two of you together so that I had to cry in front of you and she just went on watching TV, after staring me down, and you just came out of the bath with a towel round your waist and you looked at me with blind indifference, your eyes saying "it's over" and I had to call my friend to get me out of there?