Monday, June 20, 2011 § 15

By the time I'm writing this, where could you be?

Are you already dead still alive?

Did I ever cross your mind after that time?

I wish I could see you again, so we could talk, and you could explain, and I could forgive, and there would be a proper closure for this.

For the record, I am no longer in love with you. I had worked it all out of my system far too long ago.
Though I remember everything.

I remember when we first saw each other at the fifth floor of the university library. We were sitting across each other, some ten desks away. You were at the Engineering section, I was at my favorite Fiction section.
And I wish now that I shouldn't have looked up and our eyes shouldn't have met.

I remember seeing you everyday at the same seat, some ten desks away, and after five days, you came up and said, "Hello. I know we're going to be friends."
And so after we broke up, I couldn't decide whether that was the biggest understatement.. or overstatement of the year.

I remember when we went out that night and instead of a dinner date on a restaurant, we went to this bar I love where the bands who played were as great as the food served.

We did what normal young couples did. Parties. Barhopping at Nevada Square. Watching Lost re-runs. Arcade games at the Quantum. Always, you accompanied me at the bookstore and sat patiently at the carpeted floor of the kid's section, as I rummaged through titles I would most likely purchase and read.

I remember the afternoon trysts. There was no elevator, and we were always breathless when we reached the fifth floor library, and we secretly kissed behind the shelves.

My friends kept asking me about you and I said you were "the sweetest, the most worthy of a first love".

But what I really loved most about you is your brazen opinion about things. We could argue about something as complex as the human mind or something as mundane as the public transpo. You were a very smart guy, with the perfect tongue. That I was sure of. Too bad not so many guys possess that.

I remember when we went out not knowing there was a storm approaching and we had to stay at the Sev all night, your arms wrapped all around me.

I remember when you told me of a dream you had of me, and you had to call me at two in the morning, and I thought you were crying, and you made me promise not to leave you. I said never.
What an irony.

I remember when you didn't return my calls for three days and it was mind racking and I secretly hoped you were either terribly sick or a close relative of yours died (this I still feel guilty of), because I couldn't quite imagine what else could be the reason of your silence.. And I thought if I was the one terribly sick, if I was the one with a dead relative, I would have, at least, sent you a text message.

Up to now, I still wonder.
Whatever happened that caused you to do what you did to me?
That was deliberate cruelty on your part..
To change your mind about everything?
Well I must admit that sometimes, when we were still together, you changed your mind so often I wonder if you had a mind.
To forget about that dream?
Maybe it was a lie. Maybe you never really dreamt of me.

But this is what I really yearned to ask: Why did you choose her over me?
She, with the reputation of the girl who would get high on anything and go down on everything?
Those twelve months obfuscated by the mere minutes of her going down on you??
Why did you let her in through all the secret doors that the two of us had gradually opened, one by one, together?

All the more, this: Why didn't we break up the way normal couples do?
Why did you intentionally let me in your flat to see the two of you together so that I had to cry in front of you and she just went on watching TV, after staring me down, and you just came out of the bath with a towel round your waist and you looked at me with blind indifference, your eyes saying "it's over" and I had to call my friend to get me out of there?

What's this?

You are currently reading obfuscation at solipsistic drivelings..


§ 15 Response to “obfuscation”

  • iya_khin says:

    sad....kung ako nun baka nasapok ko yun at kinaladkad ko na yung girl!! ako na ang brutal! lol

    is this fiction or true?? kung ano man..just let it go hayaan mo na it's his lost!

  • krn says:

    nevada square. i feel like going there. haha!

    your first love right? sabi ko na eh, first love really dies. ayaw nila maniwala sa kin. XD

    it was his lost anyway. and for the girl, her lost too. magsama ang mga loserrr. LOL

  • I really hope this is fiction because I'm about to knee some gonads.

    I'm sorry if you went through this. ):

    That guy is a jerk. HIS LOSS, not yours, love. :)

  • AZ says:

    Woah,the f***? it was the break up part that made me feel the most awful. If he did that then he does not deserve someone as great as you.

  • Kayren, you're as cool as you are because of this monster. Sounds cliche, but I know I say that to myself, too.

    Girl, you're awesome. I really think so.


  • Anonymous says:

    whoa! how that guy and the girl can be capable of such malignant behaviour! well, its happened and you can talk about it again so i assume & hope youre doing OK.:)

  • kat says:

    "you changed your mind so often I wonder if you had a mind." that made me roflmao!
    sweet, hope youve gotten over this! xoxox

  • mayen says:

    whoa.. it almost made me cry karen. I can also relate to some part of it.

  • ka bute says:

    i found it hard to leave my thoughts here. and this does not happen to me very often. to tell you the truth, napag-isip mo ko. really. i know it's easy to say it's his loss not yours, and that you should've already found closure because you've already moved on na rin. but i can't. i can't say it kasi guilty din ako.

    they say there will always be a place and time where words will be spoken.. where questions will be answered. or is there? when? where?

    i may not totally understand what you've gone through. or at the very least, what you're feeling when you were writing this. but it somehow made me remember her and relive the guilt inside me.. did u, even just for a split second, love me back? that was her last words. how can i forget?

  • krn says:

    @tell me kayren, ka bute was your ex. he's guilty! lol kiddin :D

  • kayren says:

    @iya: i wish it was fiction.. but its all good na, hehe thanks..

    @furree: yeah it does suck..

    @krn: what, di ka pa nakapunta sa friday's?? hehe. thanks.. yeah, he was..

    @jessica: aw, im waiting for the opportunity to do that to him. thanks!

    @AZ: thanks. yeah im still asking the question why..

    @blogwriter: thank you! i know that already haha kiddin (;

    @kat: hehe.. i'm quite proud of that line!

    @mayen: aww.. hope it dint remind you of the bad memories..

  • kayren says:

    @ka bute: did you ever love me? i always asked that question after a break up.. typical female question, its not that we dunno the answer.. we just wanna hear you guys to say it again because its all were holding onto.. at least that's how i understand it.

    they say there will always be a place and time where words will be spoken.. i really cant believe that. things happen because you make them happen. but i dunno where to start because its been five years. i was just this clueless freshman in love with a much more experienced third year engineering student.

    while writing this i dint feel anything intense, pero i have to admit, i felt a little of something. i've moved on several boyfriends after, haha.. though that experience with my first love taught me something indispensable: it's better to be the first one to leave than be the one left. (;

  • kayren says:

    @krn: kaya nga ee..! he might be my ex.. lol..

  • ka bute says:

    me? ur ex? it's impossible. i don't have a perfect tongue. remember? haha. (--,)