solipsistic drivelings.

"I'll be like, you-moron-you-are-so-not-leaving-me-first-let-me-have-the-opportunity-to-break-up-with-you..."

Here I am in the middle of the year, still single as fuck. It's been five months since I broke up with my last boyfriend. Five fucking months. I don't know how I did it, but I did, alright. This calls for a celebration. Of me coming out of that shell of fear-- fear of being alone and left alone. My Facebook status had been defaulted to 'in a relationship' for the longest time, though not with just one guy. I've had not more than five boyfriends in a span of eight years. Every one of them turned out to be total jerks. I'm not washing my hands, and start bitching around like I almost always do when it comes to talk about the opposite sex. I have to admit, I had been guilty as well. We all have the potential of becoming a jerk. With the exception of that so-called first love, I was always the one who left first. Just one strong trigger, or deal-breaker, and I'll be like, you-moron-you-are-so-not-leaving-me-first-let-me-have-the-opportunity-to-break-up-with-you.

Yeah, pretty lame, I know. Infantile even. I don't expect you to understand. That's just, it's just become a part of who I am. Believe me, I never got any satisfaction whatsoever every time I did that.

And how am I faring? I'm doing quite well, to be honest. Singlehood has it's rewards. I have sooo much time for myself now. I have the freedom to do whatever I wanna do, things I couldn't when I was still attached. It doesn't really suck that much.

It's so hard to get into a relationship, harder even to be in one. You have to be very patient, understanding, considerate, selfless. You have to put up with a lot of crap, i.e. your partner's gross habits. Sometimes, you have to cast your ego aside. Sometimes, you need to cancel important appointments just to be with him/her. When you fight, you have to know when exactly to patch things up. You have to see each other on a fairly, constant basis, sacrificing your solitude. And the list goes on.

But I have to admit-- I miss being in a relationship. I miss being in love, cuddling, waking up in bed with someone. I miss the intimacy and the knowledge that you are in love with someone who loves you as much, or more, even. I miss having a good-enough friend who cares about my well-being, laughs at my dumb jokes, understands my imperfections, endures my quirks. I miss spending time, doing things two people both love doing together, talking about stuff, laughing about private jokes, fighting and making up after, staring into eyes filled with love, longing, and lust, all at once directed at me..

Oh, this is getting cheesy.

Alright, I take it. It sucks being single.

Dear Opposite Sex,

I know nothing, absolutely nothing, about you, except for the fckng fact that you seduce me (and that's what you tried to do to me again earlier), then drop me like a hot potato into your yawning abyss. Why are you so cruel? I hate you for making me hope, wish, love, and, in the end, making me feel despaired, embarrassed and disillusioned.

I detest you, but I am attracted to you. Who else am I supposed to hook up with, the same sex? I can't even contemplate the idea. Nor do I have any notions of choosing a life of spinsterhood. Or worse, having relations with something outside our species. So no matter how many times you screw me up, I will always be drawn to your kind (duh, like I have any other choice). Because I am an all-woman, all-straight daughter of Eve.

Well, I admit you aren't all that bad, that sometimes, or most of the time, it is my fault. But you can't blame me for PMS-ing. Yeah. That's my excuse. What's yours?

This is not the end. I'm sure, in the next days, weeks, months, I'll fall in love with someone of your kind again, get hurt again, fall in love again, get fckd up all over again, but i'll be very, very patient. Soon, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed, the cycle will start draining, and I will finally settle down with someone of your kind.

But for now, in the light of all the heartaches, the shams of falling in love, I raise both my fingers to you.

Go, fuck yourself.

With my utmost sincerity,
Kae

That's a pretty deep thing to say, you would tell me.
But I've always been a pretty deep person.. You always knew that.
And you're right, that when I think, I tend to overthink
So you don't want me to think, think too much about this.

But i can't help it. This is just my way,
the way I've always responded to just about everything, and it always worked.
People are forever expecting too much from me,
never accepting the kind of person that I am.

I feel like a clay dough molded by a five year-old into whatever shape it wants me to appear.
Molded,
squeezed,
flattened,
split into pieces.

When you get tired of playing, will I lay in the dust forgotten?

dear d.,

hindi ko din akalain na hahantong sa ganito. parang kailan lang, magka-holding hands tayong naglalakad sa downtown. alam mo ba, Miss na kita sobra. sana di na lang tayo nag-break noh? sana di na lang ako nakipagbreak sayo. ikaw naman kasi, ang arte mo. may mga nalalaman ka pang 'naguguluhan ako'. agaylatan met. what did you expect di ba? Ako nga, nagulo buhay ko dahil sa'yo.

never kong pinagtapat sayo ito, pero alam mo ba, i was never the same after us. pwede kong sabihin na after all the shit i've been through, i'm a lot wiseR now. pero hindi ee, kasi nakakabobo talaga yung mga nangyari. ayoko ng maging dagdag pasakit sa mga problema mo. ayokong pasanin mo ako. pero alam mo ba? pasan kita. siguro, kahit ilang lalaki pa ang lumuhod sa harapan ko ngayon, Titingala pa din ako at mukha mo lang ang makikita ko. kahit sa iba ka pa nakatingin.. alam kong sa iba ka na nakatingin. di ba?

hindi ko naman hinihiling na sana hindi na lang naging tayo. mali ee. kasi naging mahalagang parte ka na din ng buhay ko. siguro, even if I come down with a severe case of amnesia, i'll never forget those months with you. kung sinuman ang maswerteng mamahalin mo pagkatapos ko, sana hindi ka na maguluhan. you should know by Now that you don't figure love out. you simply just fall. pero alam mo ba? part yan ng charm mo.. yung nagtatanong.. yung nagtataka.. oo, ganun ka. kaya nga inaro takan maong.. pero hindi lang 'yun ang rason. at hindi na kailangang sabihin pa dahil hindi mo na kailangang alamin. dahil alam kong ayaw mo nang alamin.

all my friends told me to ditch you. and so i did. kaya nga kahit ilang beses kang tumawag dati, hindi mo ako ma-reach dahil nagpalit na ako ng number. at nung nalaman mo yung new number ko, nasa reject list ang number mo. at pagkatapos ng lahat ng yun.. in-Entertain din lang kita. nakakalito ba?

Masyado akong insecure, masyadong selosa. bakit ba? ganun ka din naman ah! oo, I still want you pero ansaki-sakit lan maong.  dahil hindi na kita maramdaman. dahil alam kong hindi ka na seryoso tulad ng dati. ego boosters na lang yang mga ginagawa mo.

haha. what did i expect, di ba? haay.

Masaya ka ba sa tuwing di ko natitiis ilapit ang phone sa mukha ko? sa tuwing kinukuwento ko ba sayo ang Araw ko, iniisip mo ba na sana kasama ka dun? haay. ngayon, namamahalan ka siguro sa minute calls na iniuukol mo dati sa akin. nasasayangan ka na siguro sa pamasahe mo papunta sa kung nasaan man ako.

Nakakatawa. nakaka-amaze. how easily attraction came and went. Unfair lang kasi inunahan mo na ako. o siguro, tinamaan lang ako ng husto sa'yo. ang galing mo lang kasi. ikaw na! kung makaingles ka, akala mo male version ni kris aquino. kung makipagtalo ka, akala mo male version ni meriam
 dEfensor santiago. ang corny Lang pero totoo naman. seryoso. siguro kung mababasa mo To, hahagalpak ka sa kakatawa. at iiral na naman ang kayabangan mo.

pero wala yan sa'kin. dahil mas masakit na hirap na akong tumawa. yUng totoong tawa? kasi alam ko darating na ang panahon na hindi mo na ako maaalala pa. o siguro nga dumating na. mas maganda siguro na ganito. na hindi na tayo nagkikita at nag-uusap. para san pa, di ba? kahit siguro magkaroon ng Chance na maging tayo ulit, hindi na ako pupusta pa. you can rest assured na hindi mo na ako makikita pa.

mag-iingat ka Ah? kasi inaro takan maong.. anggano amtak.. Ya sakey ak labat ed sikara..

nagmamahal,
super p.

My phone is sitting right there, taunting me. It's taunting me because it knows I want to answer his damn calls.

I can't believe he is still trying to call me. Hasn't he got any backbone? It's so uncool. he is so pathetic.

So i have to turn my phone off so that when he tries calling again, i wouldn't have to hear it's annoying ringing and make me totally lose it because I am longing to hear his voice, even with the lies in it, and I will forgive and forget  again the moment I hear that husky drawl. I can not stop thinking about him. I have no control over my mind. Damn.

But I do have control over my fingers. That's something.

But I still have to turn my phone off. and keep it out of sight.

Just in case.

Right.

By the time I'm writing this, where could you be?

Are you already dead still alive?

Did I ever cross your mind after that time?

I wish I could see you again, so we could talk, and you could explain, and I could forgive, and there would be a proper closure for this.

For the record, I am no longer in love with you. I had worked it all out of my system far too long ago.
Though I remember everything.

I remember when we first saw each other at the fifth floor of the university library. We were sitting across each other, some ten desks away. You were at the Engineering section, I was at my favorite Fiction section.
And I wish now that I shouldn't have looked up and our eyes shouldn't have met.

I remember seeing you everyday at the same seat, some ten desks away, and after five days, you came up and said, "Hello. I know we're going to be friends."
And so after we broke up, I couldn't decide whether that was the biggest understatement.. or overstatement of the year.

I remember when we went out that night and instead of a dinner date on a restaurant, we went to this bar I love where the bands who played were as great as the food served.

We did what normal young couples did. Parties. Barhopping at Nevada Square. Watching Lost re-runs. Arcade games at the Quantum. Always, you accompanied me at the bookstore and sat patiently at the carpeted floor of the kid's section, as I rummaged through titles I would most likely purchase and read.

I remember the afternoon trysts. There was no elevator, and we were always breathless when we reached the fifth floor library, and we secretly kissed behind the shelves.

My friends kept asking me about you and I said you were "the sweetest, the most worthy of a first love".

But what I really loved most about you is your brazen opinion about things. We could argue about something as complex as the human mind or something as mundane as the public transpo. You were a very smart guy, with the perfect tongue. That I was sure of. Too bad not so many guys possess that.

I remember when we went out not knowing there was a storm approaching and we had to stay at the Sev all night, your arms wrapped all around me.

I remember when you told me of a dream you had of me, and you had to call me at two in the morning, and I thought you were crying, and you made me promise not to leave you. I said never.
What an irony.

I remember when you didn't return my calls for three days and it was mind racking and I secretly hoped you were either terribly sick or a close relative of yours died (this I still feel guilty of), because I couldn't quite imagine what else could be the reason of your silence.. And I thought if I was the one terribly sick, if I was the one with a dead relative, I would have, at least, sent you a text message.

Up to now, I still wonder.
Whatever happened that caused you to do what you did to me?
That was deliberate cruelty on your part..
To change your mind about everything?
Well I must admit that sometimes, when we were still together, you changed your mind so often I wonder if you had a mind.
To forget about that dream?
Maybe it was a lie. Maybe you never really dreamt of me.

But this is what I really yearned to ask: Why did you choose her over me?
She, with the reputation of the girl who would get high on anything and go down on everything?
Those twelve months obfuscated by the mere minutes of her going down on you??
Why did you let her in through all the secret doors that the two of us had gradually opened, one by one, together?

All the more, this: Why didn't we break up the way normal couples do?
Why did you intentionally let me in your flat to see the two of you together so that I had to cry in front of you and she just went on watching TV, after staring me down, and you just came out of the bath with a towel round your waist and you looked at me with blind indifference, your eyes saying "it's over" and I had to call my friend to get me out of there?