solipsistic drivelings.

all the time in the world.

do i? really?

so many things we are not so certain about.

i don't know how long i will have to--

i want to know. what happens to me after five years? ten? twenty? thirty? ugh. not after thirty years. by the time i'm fifty i'd be sure to be six feet below the ground. lol. not that i'd want my remains be buried. in fact, i'd like to get cremated. and yes, i don't have any plans growing old. really OLD. you know, like those gerry's i see everywhere. their skins sagging, their hair gray, their voice stuttering. dammit. i don't want to grow THAT old. i swear i'd die young. suicide can be an option. not that im wacko or something. i just don't want to grow old. god.

i want to know. just know. am i doing the right decisions now? because i'm wondering, what if i steered away from the right road? (oh please dont relate this to one of my previous posts. its got nothin to do with religion, k?(;) that would totally suck. because i am living and with so much purpose, and i am still young and i know what i want and some people twice my age don't even know just yet what they really want. okay. maybe, we don't stop wanting. that is good. that is interesting. the consolation i kept telling myself: there are forty year old's who still don't know what they want, who still don't know what they're living for. i think, it would make me feel mighty good if i talk to them. they must make interesting conversationalists.

right now i'm confused and i hardly know what i am yabbering about. these days, i can't seem to figure out what is and what is not. dammit i can't even put on my best i-had-my-shit-together face-- something i am, i mean, used to be so, sooo good at.

but i have time. and i guess--

"look here, kiddo, stop asking questions nobody else can answer. either you live NOW or forget about it."

thank you, rebecca wells.

or was it really rebecca who said that? ive been reading too many books!

nothing makes sense though.