solipsistic drivelings.

It's raining and I can't help but think that this is nature's attempt to hide the tears flowing slowly down my face right now. I don't know why these tears won't stop falling when I don't even need them. I don't need them to fall down to my shirt then to the ground and I don't need him to see me crying. I don't need them to make me look pathetic and sad and just lost. Seven billion people, perhaps more and I am just a tiny speck in this planet and could it be possible that I am the only one feeling so lonely and devastated right now? I want to feel angry but I can't. That part is over though I would rather stay the angry fool than the mess that I have turned into right now. I just want to stop feeling so hurt. I want to drain my heart, my body of all the water in it that help form these miserable drops of water that is really just water with a little saline in it. So why does it hurt? It's just water.

Tell me something I don't know.

What I didn't know was what I had gotten myself into because try as I might, I will never be that girl. Will never be as lovely as her. Will never be as smart. Never as capable of breaking his heart. Will never be capable of breaking his heart because he never shared it with me in the first place. I just thought he did. I will never be her. The comparisons are endless and there is not one thing that makes us similar to each other. 

What I didn't know is that I was better off not knowing about her but the signs were everywhere in a virtual space and I had unknowingly suffocated myself with all the things that make her be the girl he had always wanted. Will always want. Will ever want. Will never be her. I am just one of all the other girls he had ran out dry and all the subtle hints I ignored telling me to run away as fast as I can.

He doesn't know it yet but he will never get over her until the day he dies. He will never stop seeing her face in his dreams, in the back of his mind. He will imagine that he is with her while he is with his current girl. He doesn't know it yet, but his obsession -- obsession, not love-- is hopeless because he will never stop dreaming about her and it is  all in vain though he knows it but he won't stop thinking about the things that could have been until the end.

What I didn't know could've killed me inside. Or perhaps it was something that I already know, but refused to acknowledge because how in the world can someone still live in the shadow of a girl who is as good as dead.

I don't really know anything right now and everything could just be in my head.

What I didn't know is that it can be this hard. It can make your heart beat fast in a bad way and what's ironic is that the tempo can be the same regardless if the news is good or bad. And only at this moment will you realize that the heart is somehow connected to the tear ducts in your eyes. For every heartbeat, there's a tear about to drop.

You won't feel empty after all. You will feel the pain.

I didn't know that it will hurt this much, the pain went on for months now it makes you feel numb. Angry, that is what he is because he will never hurt. All along, his world never revolved around you the way yours did.